Hey everybody, it's bob and david.
There's plenty where that came from.
( Wild applause )
Wow !
David, what is up ?
Just sharing the wealth, bob.
Wow !
You're rich ?
Yeah, reparations, man.
What ?
I'm jewish, remember ?
You know, my people have been harassed,
Murdered, and well, bedeviled, for thousands of years.
And we're finally gettin' a big paycheck
From the swiss government.
You know hitler's up in heaven right now going:
"Oh, no, no ! You got me !"
Here, accept this trifle, won't you ?
Big brownie.
Well, at least you could maybe afford to buy nicer cigars.
Oh, those aren't cigars, they're fake poo.
Hey, is there a jewish guy here ?
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme !
82 cents ?
Rip-Off !
Don't you want to read the nice card ?
Look at that, you got a nice little kitten
And some spilled milk,
And inside, it says, "meow, meow,
"Looks like you got me,
"We accepted the gold stolen by nazis.
"But time has passed, and wounds have healed.
We were bad little kittys, and we wuv you."
Signed, "switzerland".
Isn't that nice ? That is nice.
See that ? The country is like the cat,
And the spilled milk is like your relatives.
On behalf of the great state of mississippi,
We would like to give you and all of your people
This card.
Let me read this to you.
"Uh-Oh !", it says on the cover.
You open it up inside and it says.
"Somebody made a mess."
Well, that pretty much says it.
And look here.
Mississippi fun bucks ?
Every african-American citizen's gonna get that.
That is good for any one-Way ticket
Out of mississippi
On the mississippi fun bus !
There's one now.
Beautiful, climb up on in there.
There ya' go !
All right, bye-Bye, bye-Bye !
Good luck to ya !
( Announcer ) mississippi fun bucks are not legal tender,
But may be used to leave mississippi
And for discounts at lucky lady motor courts not in mississippi.
Here we go, room 13, lucky lady motor court.
Yeah, yeah.
Rick should be here in a few minutes.
Oh, man, i'm sweatin' my ass off, you know ?
I've never moved this much dope before.
Yeah, well, relax, man. You got all the cash right ?
Yeah, yeah, it's right there.
Hey, man, check this out.
You notice that white van out front ?
What ?
It's got some kind of radar dish on it, or something.
Well, you mean, that police van
That's recording our half-Million dollar drug deal
With a high-Powered directional mike ?
'Cause all i see is a modern ice cream truck
With a dish on the top,
Because ice cream comes in dishes, kevin,
Don't get paranoid on me, man.
Sit down. Not there, not there.
Sit down over here, it's a better chair.
And a nice little plant to keep you company.
Got a nice little lamp for if things get dark and scary
For little kevin ferguson,
Sitting in room 13 in the lucky lady motor court,
At 335-Niner north avenue.
I gotta take a pee, you just chill.
( Whispering ) i can't get him to do it.
He's got to say it out loud. I did say that !
Jim ?
Who, who are you talking to in there ?
Just relax kevin. I'm just having a chatty pee in here.
( Toilet flushing )
So, kevin,
How long you known this, uh, ray perp ?
I met ray in central florida in...
Hey man, what's with the flower ?
What ?
Oh, what's this supposed to be ?
A wire ?
Oh, godammit, you think i'm a fuckin' cop !
Forget it, kevin. Let's just get this over with, frisk me, man.
Stick your finger up my ass.
It's all right, man.
You're paranoid, kevin.
Getting mad at a pretty flower.
You should see yourself, man.
5'9" caucasian named kevin ferguson,
Sitting there, all unarmed arranging for the sale of 12 ounces
Of controlled substances.
Why do you do that ? Why do you keep reciting details ?
What are you saying ?
Are you saying that i'm like some kind of
A reject from a mariachi band ?
Is that what i am now ?
No !
You know, you gotta trust me man.
Or you're gonna fuck this deal up !
Look at me, man, look at me !
Look right at me ! I'm looking at you !
( Camera clicking )
You just took a picture of me with your hat !
My magic hat ?
( Stammering )
Oh my god, you are out there !
Okay, let me get this straight.
I'm setting you up in a sting with the cops to protect my ass,
And i got a wire inside a flower, and a camera in my hat ?
And that's a fake painting with two cops behind it, videotaping us ?
Is that what you're saying ?
I didn't say anything about a fake painting and cops.
Oh my god, you are so paranoid
That you're making me seem paranoid in retrospect.
Oh, man, okay, all right.
I'm gonna turn the lights out, you look through your fake painting
At your two precious cops.
No.
Come on, asshole, there they are.
Say hi. "Hi, cops !
"Get my good side."
It's all right.
I think i need some make-Up.
Alright, turn it back on, i trust you, all right ?
I fucking trust you.
Right, just relax, man.
It's 1400 hours.
Ray should be here any second.
We got a big drug deal to think about. A big, big drug deal.
Hey, kev ?
Oh, man, did you ever play, "thumbprint tic-Tac-Toe" ?
No, what's that ?
Well, it's just like tic-Tac-Toe,
But you use your thumbs to mark it.
Oh, so you go here ?
Oh my god, you're gonna beat me.
I ask you, is this your thumb print, kevin ferguson ?
Yes.
Thumb prints found all over the crime scene,
Videotapes from every conceivable angle,
Audio recordings in quadraphonic sound,
Still photographs, holograms,
All of these showing kevin ferguson in room 13
Of the lucky lady motor court,
Buying illegal drugs.
Ladies and gentlemen, we rest our case.
( Announcer ) will kevin ferguson be found guilty ?
Tune in next week.
And now, here's a scene from next week's show.
Your honor, we the jury find the defendant,
Kevin ferguson, not guilty.
Next week on...
( Inaudible )
( Announcer ) for over 40 years,
Charles mchutchence has stood for
The best america has to offer.
He's president of a fortune 500 company,
Father of two wonderful children,
And a good neighbor.
I'm not here to sell anything.
And i'm certainly not running for any political office.
Hi !
( Announcer #2 ) lately we've all been hearing a lot
About a certain charles mchutchence.
But did you know about harrison greeley iii?
Harrison greeley is also a successful businessman
With a family and a lot of friends.
Plus, he likes you.
You can call me harrison.
( Announcer #2 ) harrison greeley,
Rich, got a great family, really nice house,
A super guy.
( Announcer #3 ) paid for by the harrison greeley iii committee
For harrison greeley iii.
( Announcer ) charles mchutchence has a message for you.
Let's look at the facts--
I have a great family,
I won this trophy in cape cod last year,
And next month, i plan to learn how to water ski.
Charles mchutchence
Now you're talking great guy.
Look at the facts.
( Announcer #2 ) paid for by the mchutchence family committee
To celebrate charles.
( Announcer ) charles mchutchence claims to be a great guy.
Look at the facts.
What are the real facts ?
( Announcer ) he also claims that he plans
To learn to water ski.
But company records show
His vacation to be only three days long.
Well, you can't really learn to water ski in three days.
Of course, that depends on what you mean by learn.
You'd still be a beginner.
Well--
Seems the only thing charles mchutchence is great for
Is lying.
Hey, charles, if you're great, i'm really great.
Harrison greeley iii. Really great.
( Announcer #2 ) paid for by harrison greeley iii.
( Announcer #3 ) harrison greeley iii,
Charles mchutchence,
Two rich men, battling for our favor.
Now it's time the people spoke and said...
( All ) enough !
The public airwaves are no place
For unseemly character assaults.
Mr. Greeley and mr. Mchutchence, please,
Stop this petty and hurtful public display.
( All ) hooray !
( Announcer ) paid for by reverend anders and citizens united against
Negative and unnecessary advertising
( Announcer #1 ) reverend anders, what are you after ?
What do you want ?
Who is the real reverend anders ?
You fucked with the wrong guys, reverend.
( Announcer #2 ) paid for by the greeley-Mchutchence committee
To crush reverend anders.
Harrison greeley iii and charles mchutchence
Claim to have newfound respect and admiration
For each other.
And it's true.
Fact: harrison and charles have shared with each other
Personal memories of growing up rich.
Fact: both have worked together to destroy a common enemy.
Fact: the two have made specific plans
To do things together in the future.
Trust. Respect. Warmth.
Harrison greeley iii and charles mchutchence
Friends.
I would like to ask you all to sit
And ask our distinguished guest to begin his presentation.
Edmund premington is a hunter,
An explorer, a novelist and an adventurer.
A travelaire, an explorist,
And a noveler,
Without further ado, edmund premington.
( Patron ) edmund premington, nice to have you back.
( Polite applause )
Hard to believe i made it back
From the godless jungle,
To such auspicious and
Humane surroundings.
Let me begin with a description
Of the lion's roar.
It's impossible to describe the roar of the lion.
But what i can do is describe its effect.
You feel it first in your scrotum.
Oh, my.
Is there a need for such language ?
I'm afraid there is, my dear, if i'm to be descriptive.
( Patron ) must be done, yes.
His great jaw
Stirs one's intestines,
And a tingle of fear constricts the scrotum.
The great bellow rings out
In a rippling wave,
Tossing one's very scrotum,
Hither and thither.
Its eyes grasp you at the base of your spine,
Crawl up your back,
Ring around the neck
And settle finally on the tongue...
Excellent description.
... of your scrotum.
The lion moves, each muscle is so vast
It moves like a school of fish
Moving together with one mind,
And all the hairs on the tip of your penis
Spring forth !
At that long-Hank of unbraided hair
Tickles the scrotum at the base of your knee.
The base of your knee ?
I'm not done !
In your hunter's crouch,
You feel the nipples on your ass become erect.
All right, hold it, hold up here.
Nipples on your ass ?
Knee scrotums ?
Hair on the tip of your penis ? It's too horrible !
I am sorry, my dear.
Why, yes, the african lion is horrible.
No, no, no, the lion is fine.
Listen, we've tolerated your salty descriptions long enough.
Sir, i warned you, my tale was not for the faint-Scrotumed.
Yes, and what is this obsession with scrotums ?
I mean, you've mentioned the scrotum five times now.
Not the same scrotum. The african lion affects
Each and every one of a man's scrotums.
Fear seeks them out.
Get to the ass nipples, what's that about ?
And the awful hank of unbraided hair.
Yes, i must take severe umbrage
At your anatomical logic.
Well, sir, everything i say, i've experienced.
Obviously mr. Premington
Experienced these things metaphorically.
I am not a symbolist.
When the african lion attacks--
Leave the lion out of it !
You're scaring us with your description of some freakish hunter.
Madame, i assure you, i speak honestly.
From the very bottom of my vagina.
Jesus !
You don't know what words mean, do you ?
Why, sir, i'm a writer.
From the side pocket of my scrotal--
Oh, stop it, stop it ! No one looks like that.
Nipples on your ass !
The awful hair !
Are you calling me a liar ?
I say ! Yes.
Well, then, look !
Feast your eyes on the body that the lion scared !
( Everyone gasping )
Come see the multi-Scrotumed ass-Nippled adventurer.
Enough scrotums for 20 men !
But, beware his descriptions.
Extra, extra !
Oddball adventurer !
Hair comes from his penis !
Scrotums abound ! Extra !
( Announcer ) you're watching the channel five news,
With the team you can trust.
Bennie drummond, margaret holden and otto bergher.
Together since 1925,
They've informed five generations
Of south valley residents.
Winners of over 340 local emmy awards,
World record holders for telling over
50,000 news stories.
And the news team with the most great grandchildren.
And the world's only news team
With great-Great grandchildren.
Bennie drummond
Otto bergher
And margaret holden.
Channel five's team you trust.
( Stagehand ) otto !
Otto, read the news.
Top story...
Plane crash.
Margaret, no more news.
No, no, more news.
What does it say, dear ?
( Stagehand ) plane crash. Plane crash.
Oh, i don't know anymore.
Hello ?
Who's calling, please ?
No, mrs. Holden, it's me, mark.
I'm here at the scene in the andes.
He's not home, who's calling ?
All right, i'm just gonna start talking, then.
Goodbye.
All right.
Well, hi, this is mark treems
Here at the scene in the andes
Where we are about to get the first look
At the only known survivor of peruvian airways flight 78,
Which crashed a month ago
With 234 people onboard.
I believe we have a picture of the survivor,
Taken minutes before the ill-Fated flight.
Todd benley is his name,
And he has miraculously survived
Out here in the woods for one full month, without provisions.
Let's go talk to him now.
Sir.
Sir, how does it feel to be the only survivor
Of this tragic flight ?
( Burping )
Relief, a great feeling of relief.
( Burping )
How did you do it ?
I was forced to eat the flesh of my companions
In order to survive.
My goodness, what a terrible choice you had to make !
Please, don't speak ill of the dead.
Their flesh was seasoned with courage
And selflessness,
And each time i think of their sacrifice,
I hunger for the bones of their bravery.
I ate them all, showed no favorites.
And here i am, full as a tick.
The living legacy of their deeds.
Well, you...
You've only been out here for 30 days.
Did you need to eat all 234 people ?
Well, when i get depressed, i eat.
It's my outlet.
They were brave, brave people.
Some of them.
Some of them, i had to lop off their legs
Or they would have run for the hills like chickens, delicious chickens.
Well, it's a miracle you survived out here at all.
There's no one within 200 miles of this place
With the exception of one small village
That would be hard to find without a map.
Yes, yes.
Uh, that's where i got this broom.
I like to keep this place spic and span.
I'm kind of a neat freak.
So, you've been to the village ?
Yeah, i've got a p.O. Box there.
I've been getting my magazines, uh,
Maurice does my hair.
You've had your hair styled ?
Yeah, i told him to surprise me.
You know, just go nuts, you know.
I don't like it, i don't dislike it, you know.
Well, as the only survivor,
Do you have any insight into what caused
This fatal, tragic flight ?
Let's see, when the turbulence started,
My stomach started growling like a bear,
You know, fear does that.
Nothing they had onboard would satisfy me,
So i ate the pilot and we crashed.
( Laughing )
My goodness, you ate the pilot ?
How did he taste ?
( Burp )
Better than airplane food.
( Narrator ) they started by entertaining a shocked,
Yet amused nation.
Then they took their routine to parties.
Now, join them, live at carnegie hall,
For the 2,000 pound old man.
Now i understand you met napoleon, isn't that so ?
Met him ? I 'et him !
( Crowd laughing )
Who was the first caveman ?
Murray.
Did you eat him ?
Eat him ? I'm not that old, i'm only 2,000 pounds !
On the next command performances
Funding for this program provided by
The southern historical preservation society and ragtime band.
( Distant cannon fire )
( Narrator ) during the summer of 1862,
The battle of turner springs
Took place on a patch of farmland
Owned by marshall scott, a confederate sympathizer.
It was a battle which would last
For over two weeks and cost thousands of lives.
I wanna look like that guy.
What, you want a fake beard ?
Yeah.
And one of them hats.
Nope, a civil war hat.
It was a battle that many thought was over.
No, that's french resistence.
The civil war: the re-Enactments
The re-Enactment of the battle of turner springs
Would prove to be one of the fake-Bloodiest in history.
( Burr ) this was an important battle to re-Enact
Because it had never been re-Enacted before.
There had been several attempts to re-Enact it,
But each time something had gone awry,
Or afoul or askew.
One time, all three.
Thousands would come to pretend to be brave.
It was an re-Enactment that pit brother against brother.
Travis and lamar kittle of hapsburg, maryland,
Were born in this modest house on the mason/dixon line,
Where they still live today.
Travis, a high school drop out
And current high school teacher,
Looked forward to reflecting upon the impending past memory
Of the future re-Enactment with great relish.
Lamar was a two-Time state yelling champion,
Who had dreams of someday finding a box of money.
The re-Enactment would take place over 50 miles away.
And would take the two boys away from their mother
For the first time in almost ten years.
It was decided lamar would be the navigator.
Travis would drive the car and photograph him.
( Jeff goldblum ) "mama, here's a funny postcard i bought.
"Hope you're doing well.
"We almost are there.
"What ? Oh, travis says 'hey' !
Love, lamar."
( Narrator ) and on the front of the postcard,
A message of hope to his mother.
But the distant thunder of drums
Would soon erase the sounds of their laughter.
For this was the day that would not only see north against south,
But lincoln against lincoln.
( Burr ) well, you see, two lincolns showed up.
Now that was a case of poor planning, pure and simple.
And lincoln himself had never been
At the actual battle in the first place,
So, neither of them should have been there.
It was two too many.
( Narrator ) it was soon time for the battle.
This rare footage captures a speech given by blaine pilven,
Who portrayed confederate general austin bullard.
Two we simulate the glory
Of the men
Who could not be here today.
They fought a life battle against death,
Brothers against cousins,
Hus--Husbands
Against uncles.
They had sores on their
Hands.
( Male ) but i got the permit right here.
Hey, look, we're not about some made-Up fairy tale party.
This is about important history.
But we always hold the renaissance faire here. We do it every year.
Okay, alright, look, why don't you guys go in the parking lot
And have your little pageant there.
No !
It seems as though we've landed in two different time periods.
Thank you, science officer quandar of sector five.
Who are you guys supposed to be ?
Careful commander, these aliens appear hostile.
These guys always show up at our renaissance faire.
And they pretend they've been transported from some other time.
And then they try to engage us in battle.
Set your phaser on stun, commander.
Why don't you set your phaser on shut up ?
Why don't you shut up ?
Alright, alright, that's enough. Come on, come on, let's go.
You guys take off, all right ? Just take a hike.
Well, eventually, everything got squared away
And boss hogg was able to get the moonshine to his granny.
( Interviewer ) what about the battle re-Enactment ?
Oh, well, that was held out in the parking lot.
( Soldiers yelling )
( Cannon fire )
( Car alarm beeping )
( Burr ) yep, everything was fine.
But someone bayoneted a tire on a car.
That caused a problem for a family of five.
What i really would have liked to have seen
Would have been a battle between the space people
And the medieval folks and the civil war chums.
That park ranger, he could have jumped in there, too,
I wouldn't have minded that.
Mr. Burr. Huh ?
The doctor will see you now.
Excuse me.
( Applause )
There you have it.
More great mr. Show educational programming.
If you want more programming like that,
Won't you call in your pledge right now ?
Maybe we should go over those premiums again.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, okay, remember, uh,
For a slight donation you'll receive this,
Lovely civil war re-Enactment chess set.
Look at that, see, there's lincoln.
Monster trucks.
And we also have the 2,000 pound old man
Inspiration-A-Day calendar for you.
Okay, can i read one these ?
It'll be fun, i'll read one.
This is kind of crazy.
I hope no one gets hurt.
"Excuses are the gas
"That keep the engine called us
In the driveway of life."
That's kind of motivational.
Yeah, i'd say inspirational.
Still no calls.
Oh, hey, what about the fake poo ?
( Phones ringing )
Yes, hello.
My grandmother's turning 100 years of age this friday,
And we want to do something really special for her.
You know, she's getting on
And we don't know how much longer she's gonna be...
Y'all got fake poo ?
Uh, hello ?
My wife's just been diagnosed with inoperable...
Y'all got fake poo ?
Hey uh, my daughter's getting married tomorrow
And i was wondering, y'all got fake poo ?
Yeah, hi.
I got myself a fake toilet.
Y'all got fake poo ?
I'm terribly sorry, i seem to have got the wrong number.
I'm sure it's not possible...
Y'all got fake poo ?
I just found out my daughter's a lesbian.
Y'all got fake poo ?
Hello, i live alone and i have terrible constipation.
Y'all got fake poo ?
* hello, hello, hello !
* y'all got fake poo ?
I got a fake asshole, y'all got fake poo ?